I am married to a strong motivated woman that is achieving great things. I'm often asked, “What is it like to be married to an ambitious strong successful woman and do you ever feel intimidated?” This question confuses me because I just see myself as married to a beautiful woman that is strong ambitious and someone on the path that God has chosen for her. I have never felt like it makes me inferior or less of a man because she is strong. These qualities that people speak of are the very qualities that attracted me to her.
My father provided a perfect example of how to love someone who is constantly seeking to be a better person every day. I was raised by a strong ambitious mother who sought out to achieve all her goals but never left her family behind. One of the most important things I learned growing up is that you support your family and include those in the fight with you. Relationships are about finding the balance between two individual’s strengths and weaknesses. Focus on her strengths and be the strength where she is weak and vice versa. I would argue that no one could be married to a strong woman without first being strong in self. Self-esteem and confidence in who you are is paramount to any relationship. If you don't first love yourself how is it even possible to love someone else? We commit errors when we expect the other partner to define our worth in the relationship. Should you be the most accomplished partner or not, each partner has to be confident in self and know what they bring to the table. The world is brutal; marriage is home base. Knowing, acknowledging and discussing limitations with each other are most important, if you can’t be vulnerable with her and her with you, why are you together? If you discuss your limitations with her and she makes you feel bad about them, degrades you or you feel like you have lost value…Run Away, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, She Is Not The One For You-Do Not Go Into The Liiiggghhht.
Society charges men with being the financial provider for the household. Some men interpret this to mean that money is the key to a successful relationship and for those men and women, it just may be. However, what is your definition of provider? I don’t believe provider means the one who makes the most money so, never once have I felt inferior to my wife. Inferior and wife don’t even belong in the same sentence. God took her from my rib so she could walk with me and next to me. People outside of the sphere of the home perceive her to be more powerful or more accomplished, but in the words of Jon B. “They don’t know about this here.” In other words, it’s all relative...
My wife was my biggest supporter when I was laid off. My wife knows that I am an over-achiever and perfectionist, therefore, I was devastated. It was not because of the money (although that hurt too), but because I believed that if I remained loyal to my job and performed well, I would be “gainfully” employed. When people focus on money rather than God’s purpose, these are the lies we tell ourselves. My wife told me for years to get out of a certain profession because it failed to align with who I am. I stayed for the six figure money and learned a sick lesson. The key is- my wife knows exactly who she married and she loves me for who I was when we met and for whom I am today. My wife was 6 months pregnant when my job lost me (I didn’t “lose my job” I know where it went); the birth of my second son was difficult and he needed a lot of medical attention for the next year and a half. Interview after interview, the year went and so did medical doctors and procedures. Although she encouraged me to continue to pursue and move forward, she never once waned in her support of me and I was fortunate to provide comfort and support of my ailing son-an opportunity many men do not have or sadly, want.
My wife never blamed me for financial shortcomings; she worked overtime and took odd jobs to make ends meet because she focused on her own responsibilities and obligations to the family. However, trust is an amazing thing. She knew that she could do what needed to be done because she trusted my manhood and that I would find my own way. Really, why would you as a man, invest in someone who could not survive without you or your money? As a man, there is a certain freedom and security knowing that your woman is willing and capable of “holding it down” for the sake of your seed(s); the family that both of you created. As a consequence, I watched my wife evolve beyond her job as a teacher and for that awakening she has been given opportunities that are propelling her forward and her efforts rewarded.
When a path is laid before her and you see her opportunities abound- you must, as a man, support her in achieving those goals by picking up whatever may be overwhelming due to the change in circumstances. It requires support from the family unit. I'm supporting my wife as she pursues opportunities laid before her which can be the catalyst for a stronger family unit. It’s all relative according to my definition of a provider:
Providing is equipping your family unit with support and confidence when presented with opportunities of achievement. Let's face it- women are more educated and influential in recent years because their competencies are finally being acknowledged. There is a strong possibility that your mate will earn more. Therefore, if supporting your woman’s career is needed, stand strong and let individuals (especially those who know that woman’s worth) know that she has your full and committed support. Fellas it is very important not to be intimidated by a strong woman, as to do so sends negative messages that you are ashamed of her or that the difficult tasks accomplished or faced will be unappreciated. Get your ego and realize that she is not pursuing her successes as an affront to you, but as a testament to what your relationship is made of and can accomplish.
Family goals must be established and re-established as the family grows so that when an opportunity is presented- each spouse may refer to that blueprint to leverage those opportunities with supporting the family goals in mind. Providing requires knowledge of what we call “non-negotiables” and those things typically revolve around the actions or time controls that enforce love and the foundation of the marriage. It matters not who is the “bread winner” as long as the whole family unit is in agreement with the endeavors and activities whereby all can see the fruits of that labor. Jesus was the only sacrifice, therefore we compromise. Sacrifice means that someone must go without, which for us humans, only leads to resentment and destruction. The journey to accomplishments is where growth occurs. I always tell my sons, “if you ain’t learning, you are dying or already dead.” It is imperative to take the journey with your mate. If one is growing without the other then that means your growing apart and that is the breading ground of resentment and strain. Resentment breaks the bonds of trust and vitality seen in the other partner. Establishing family goals should be considerate of who each person is as an individual so that communication and compromise are the guiding force of all activities embarked upon to promote family success.
Consistent dialogue and full engagement in the activities of the other partner allows for family accomplishment and not just personal accomplishment. There are times when my wife comes home at 11 p.m., yet we still manage to review and reflect our successes and opportunities for the day (or week) together no matter how late we stay awake. The kids are asleep and there are no disruptions to these “love-making sessions.” We constantly dialogue about situations we face to enable us to utilize the others’ skill to assist in reaching goals.
In conclusion in order to have a successful relationship with a strong woman who is ambitious, driven, and accomplished, it is imperative that you have self-confidence. Know who you are and understand what providing means to you.
You have to communicate.
You have to communicate how you feel.
You have to communicate in order for any relationship to work.
You have to communicate about what's going on in each other’s life so that you can engage in the journey.
You have to communicate so everyone grows together to avoid divides and resentment.
So, all that to say, Check Your Ego at the door and make sure that when you start the relationship which is the foundation everything else is built upon, develop trust for effective communication and love the other person for who they are with no delusions that you can “change” them. This will enable the most successful “We” possible.
Peace and blessings
Derek Vertreese
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